Major Slander: The Definitive Guide to College Majors — What Your Degree Really Says About You

DISCLAIMER: These are jokes. Go away if you’re a snowflake.

In the grand tradition of higher education, choosing a college major is an opportunity to decide which type of disappointing career you’ll share at the yearly family dinner. Will you take the road to the prestigious world of finance? Perhaps embark on a noble quest to become a professional artist, doomed to a life of “passion projects” and unpaid internships?

Let’s break down some of the most popular college majors at UNH and the truth behind each one.

1. Business: The Path to Power, Profit, and Panic Attacks

If you’re a business major, chances are you think you're a future leader of the world — assuming you don’t spend the next decade locked in a basement, binge-watching Shark Tank reruns. These students are generally driven by one clear goal: making money. Lots of it. They’ll boast about their internship at Goldman Sachs or Bank of America and use phrases such as “synergy,” “disruption,” and “let's circle back” to make sure everyone knows they have what it takes to climb the corporate ladder. Of course, your actual job title post-graduation is likely “Assistant to the Regional Manager” at a mid-level corporation, but the dream is still alive. And let’s not forget the consistent dressing in a suit and tie, regardless of the season, weather, or occasion because it makes you better than the rest of those “normies” who wear regular clothes. Gotta get comfortable being uncomfortable… plebs.

2. Psychology: I’m Here to Analyze You, Not Myself

If you’re a psychology major, you will most likely spend four years studying the human mind and learning how to psychoanalyze everyone you meet. Let’s be honest though, you probably chose the major because it seemed like an easier option than math, not because you REALLY want to solve the mysteries of the brain. With a degree in psychology, you’ll graduate thinking you can diagnose your friends' emotional issues and traumas, but you’ll probably just end up working at a call center because “helping people” doesn’t come with a salary unless you’re a licensed therapist. That said, you’ll still have a superior understanding of why people enjoy posting vague, cryptic Instagram reels or Bible quotes on their Snap stories. And yes, you’ve probably heard the “if you’re depressed, just study your notes” joke too many times now.

3. English: The Starving Artist’s Starter Pack

If you’re an English major, you definitely have a deep connection with words, most of the time at the expense of money in the bank account. You’ll probably be found absolutely springing at the opportunity to quote Shakespeare, Aristotle, or Socrates — not because you actually care about what some old guys from eons ago have to say, but because it’s the only thing you actually understand. Most of their essays usually involve over-analyzing a character’s shoes in Moby-Dick, convinced that they're about to unlock the secrets of the universe with their 20-page paper on the existential implications of a whale, with 10 of those pages turning words like “because” into “owing to the circumstance that” just to fill those word counts. Post-graduation, you’ll probably be either struggling to write for a magazine that hasn’t paid anyone since 2014 or you’ll live in a coffee shop, crafting a biography you started freshman year that you’ll swear up and down is "almost done."

4. Engineering: The Art of Pretending You Understand Calculus

If you’re an engineering major, you’re definitely the first to tell anyone who cares enough to listen that you’re working on "big projects" and “solving global problems.” Let’s be real here — most of your time is spent Googling “How to fix a broken calculator” or crying into your pillow because of the amount of number and letter-crunching you have to do to barely solve an equation by 11:59. You chose this major because you think it’ll make you rich, but also because you think you’ll suddenly gain the ability to build a working robot out of an old toaster and a handful of rubber bands. You graduate with the ability to calculate the force required to launch a car into space but still can't figure out how to park one. Post-graduation, you are likely solving important problems at some tech company... until you inevitably end up getting distracted by your fifth “side project” that will “totally change the world… trust me, bro.”

5. Political Science: Preparing for a Lifetime of Disillusionment

If your blissfully unaware past self chose political science as your major, you totally started your college journey believing you’ll change the world. By graduation, you’ll be full of existential dread, too disillusioned to ever run for office but just political enough to argue with everyone at Thanksgiving over what Republican and Democrat breathed funny in the other’s direction. You’ll spend hours analyzing voting patterns, reading up on international relations, and volunteering for campaigns, only to find out that your best job option after graduation is becoming an unpaid intern at some unnamable congressman’s office. But don’t worry — you’ll definitely be fine... as long as you can land a job as a political consultant, which you’ll explain time and time again in a series of LinkedIn posts to your two followers from university with whom you have an unspoken rivalry.

6. Art History: The Degree That’s Worth More If You Don’t Use It

You art history majors are the brave souls who dedicate your lives to studying paintings and analyzing the brushstrokes of the Renaissance, looking for some hidden meaning behind a tree being skinny. Your main job after graduation? Explaining to mom and dad why a degree that costs $200,000 will result in you working as an “art consultant” at a gallery that has an annual budget smaller than the costs of your student loans. You’ll tell others all about the genius of Michelangelo while quietly panicking about how you’re going to eat that night. That said, your understanding of ancient sculptures will absolutely make you the most interesting guest at any dinner party… if they care to listen to your educated interpretations.

7. Philosophy: For Those Who Want to Think About Thinking (and literally nothing else)

If you’re a philosophy major, you KNOW that you’re the true intellectual, sitting at the crossroads of existential questions like “What is the meaning of life?” and “How did I get into so much debt with this degree?” You’ll spend hours debating the finer points of Descartes while secretly wondering if a career in retail is more practical for your brain and wallet. Chances are, you’re so sure that you can solve the world’s problems — that is, until you realize that the world would prefer that you get a job at McDonald's, putting the fries in the bag, where you can talk about Kant while making Happy Meals. A philosophy degree makes you an expert in questioning everything, including whether it was a good idea to get a philosophy degree (it wasn’t).

8. Biology: The Real Reason You’re Avoiding Chemistry

I’m willing to bet that you biology majors are obsessed with living things because you simply don’t want to deal with atoms. You spend hours memorizing cell structures, DNA replication, and the life cycle of an amphibian, but when it comes to applying math to science, your timbers are shivered. Biology is the major for the ones who want to help save the planet by becoming medical researchers, wildlife conservationists, or, at worst, biology teachers — just as long as no one asks them to do any advanced equations. After all, they're too busy learning about how to properly cut open frogs and newborn pigs to care about numbers.

9. Communication: Because Your Biggest Talent is Talking.

I’ll give props to you communication majors, because you usually tend to be the life of the party. You chose this major because you love to talk and are convinced that the world needs more of your (not so) insightful commentary. You’re the ones who can’t help but deliver a TED Talk on why Twitter and “them liberals” are ruining society, but struggle to figure out how to send an email without accidentally 360 body-slamming that “reply all” button. After graduation, you’ll likely land a job in marketing, PR, or “social media strategy,” which basically means posting “inspirational” Andrew Tate and “The Grind Never Stops” quotes on Instagram and pretending you have your life together, the whole time munching on chips on the couch in your mother’s basement, which you never ended up moving out of because you’re “waiting for the right moment.”

10. Forensic Science: The Ultimate 'CSI' Fantasy

Forensic science majors, you guys are the true crime fanatics who believe that watching 16 seasons of CSI and Law and Order qualifies you to solve actual crimes. Chances are, you’re in it for the glamour of crime scenes, DNA analysis, and the thrill of cracking cold cases. That is, until you come to the realization that most of your time will be spent running tests on hair samples and telling people that no, they cannot just “analyze a body on the spot” like they do in the TV shows. After four years of studying blood-spatter patterns, toxicology reports, and years-old solved cases, you’ll land a job as a lab technician, where you spend 90% of your day analyzing strange liquids with names you can’t pronounce without feeling like your furniture is gonna start floating, waiting for your “big break” in the field. When you finally get your moment of fame, it’s likely to involve filling out witness paperwork instead of solving murders Sherlock Holmes-style with crappy one-liners.

11. Fire Science: Fighting Fire with… Fire?

Ahh… fire science majors. You guys are the brave souls who are convinced you can save the world one blaze at a time. You’ll likely spend four years learning the intricacies of fire safety, emergency response, and how not to burn your eyebrows off while doing it. Despite the flashy career you’re probably envisioning — running into burning buildings while looking heroic in firefighter gear — only to find out that most of your job will involve making sure fire extinguishers are in the right place and checking fire alarms in empty office buildings. But the real payoff comes when you finally join a fire department and get to slide down poles in between catching up on paperwork. (Spoiler: There are no pole slides in reality — it's all about safety checks.) After graduation, you feel like absolute heroes when they’re not sifting through fire incident reports explaining to the public that the fire truck siren is NOT fun to listen to or taking orders from someone your age or younger who jumped the gun on their high school graduation instead of strolling around campus wearing their signature fire science jackets. Campus mythology says that the minute you commit as a fire science major, you gain a jacket with the curse to never be able to take it off.

Conclusion: Pick a Major, Any Major

At the end of the day, the major you choose is less about what you're actually going to do in life and more about what kind of pretentious elevator pitch you want to give at every networking event and high school reunion for the next 20 years. Choose wisely, or, you know, just pick something that makes your parents happy and hope you can figure something out later. After all, you have four years to pretend to be an expert in something (other than the constant abuse of drugs and caffeine), which is the true purpose of higher education.

Disclaimer: No actual career guidance was provided in the making of this article.