The University Has a Band?

Brace yourselves — April 12 is coming. Board up your dorms, crank up the white noise machine, and prepare for the horror of… school spirit.

The University of New Haven jazz band will congregate around the horse statue to perform for incoming students. Students who reside on campus are often startled by the band’s performance during Accepted Students Days, despite the multiple posters, media posts, and website updates about the event. Everyone should have had enough time to prepare for Doomsday with all of the announcements sent out.

But don’t worry! Disgruntled students can cope by complaining about the band on the anonymous social app YikYak. “Why do they need the band for the accepted students?” one student inquired with frustration.

To be fair, it’s not like any incoming students are looking to join a concert band. Who wants to be known as a band kid on campus?

Instead, we should have the football players tackle passing tour guides to show our athleticism. The band director, Jason DeGroff, could act as the cheerleader. Maybe next year, for incoming criminal justice majors, we could offer to tackle Charlie the Charger and then follow the case through the courts.

We have to wonder why the campus would even bother having band members perform. Perhaps the university is attempting to use traditions to demonstrate core values and provide a warm welcome to prospective students despite the lack of community and spirit among the student body?

Doubt it.

The marching band is a reflection of the university for incoming families. Since on-campus students reject the idea of celebrating their university, the band has been asked to play quieter. The pep band must adapt to the circumstances, given how awful it must be to wake up to free music performed by friends and peers within the comfort of your own heated dorm room.

The country band will come up with new methods to appeal to the residents. Since band members are immune to the cold, the saxophones and trombones will shove their scarves and hats into their horns to mute themselves. The drums and the electronic instruments, such as the guitars and bassists, will trade out their instruments for Guitar Hero controllers. Trumpets have opted out of performing, per majority vote. They want to attend the event, but there is too much concern over whether Gerber and Bixler residents will start a riot.

Additionally, the indie rock band will perform at noon to resolve the serious sleep deprivation it has caused in the past. Until the band attends, they have offered their speakers to play the Just Dance 2021 song playlist on repeat starting at 8 a.m.

Remember, next Accepted Students Day is April 12! Make sure to go to bed extra late to wake up all the more angry at the band for simply having fun. Go out there and show us your lack of school spirit! Remember, the best way to prove your indifference to campus traditions is to dedicate your entire day to complaining about them. See you on YikYak!